I just talked to my ex boyfriend Magnus about his new girlfriend and I realised how time pass. It feels like yesterday my heart would ache at the mere thought of him and I thought that we’ve destroyed eachother for ever with all that hurt. Love that turns into pain when you cant reach the other person. Love that turns into self loathing when you see the pain you bring upon the person you love. Love that turns into sleepless nights of hoping to find the courage to end what hurts.
Years have passed and we’ve turned that soul wrecking, heart turning, painful love into a beautiful friendship. I wont say it was easy cause it certainly wasn’t. For a long time I was so in tune with him that I couldn’t function without mirroring what I thought he wanted me to be. But our friendship made me see that I could love him without loving him.
Knowing that he’s met someone makes me happy. Both in an unselfish – i want to see him happy – way but also in a very selfish – i hurt him so badly and haven’t been able to put aside the guilt – way. It felt like I broke the most loving person I’ve ever met and every time he told me he felt cold and distant I remembered the boy i fell in love with who had the biggest heart I’ve ever met. I felt our history was part of him not being able to let anyone in.
I’m happy for his heart being opened again. And i hope mine will when a black piece of guilt is gone.