When I was younger the thing that scared me the most about myself was being devoid of feelings. When i was 9 and my grandfather died I remember my friend telling me that it was weird that I didnt cry. ‘I would have cried for days’ she said. I thought to myself that maybe I am weird, maybe I dont feel enough and I made myself pretend cry over a man I’ve met a handful of times in my life.
The older I got that feeling got worse. There was all these girls that cried when things happened to them. When the boy they liked got with someone else, when they fought with their girlfriends or when they felt ugly in a sweater. I never did.
In my early 20’s i started dating and being emotionless was now a part of me. I would never let anything get to me and hurt others and myself protecting this idea of myself. I left people, i hurt them pretending not to notice and I swallowed the tears deep inside me. In my first relationship I struggled against this. I started to form the notion that I didnt want to be this person any longer but it was so hard reaching that deeply hidden part of me and I kept hurting being afraid of the emotions.
I called it The Big Grey. A void without feeling.
I’m still struggling with this part of me that believes she cant feel. I do feel. As deep and true as anyone else and when I let that part of me out I become a much better person. It’s hard letting go of the fear that made me hold on so tight to this idea of myself but I know that all those feelings inside me need to get somewhere otherwise I’ll be stuck in The Big Grey forever.