This was 2012

Sanna made a list of 2012 and it made me want to summarize this year too. It happened so much and I have changed it so many ways and sometimes you need a structure and a list to put it all into words so here we go:

Did you do something 2012 you’ve never done before?
Developed a stress induced eating disorder and plunged into a depression. Asked for help from my friends and got it. Started taking anti depressant and finally dared to tell my parents about it.

Decided to take the leap and stay in London and with Oliver. For the first time in my life thinking that I need someone enough to change my life for that person.

Stopped partying the way I always have and finally acted on the fact that my body isnt great in handling alcohol. Spending more time taking care of myself.

Did any of your friends become parents this year?
Feels like everyone did but no one really close.

Did anyone close to you die.

Which contries did you go to?
Sweden – spent a 6 weeks there all in all but not near enough time for everyone I want to see. Paris for a crazy party trip with Kix and Laxen when things were at its worst. A way to breathe for a second. St Anton and skiing with Ol, Dani and Eric, Ibiza and partying with old and new friends, NYC with the girls to celebrate Maggie and Berlin with Oliver.

Is there anything you miss from 2012 and want 2013?
My family and friends in Sweden. I want to see them even more. See Agnes and Nisse as well as Paola’s blond little kids.

A spring and summer – London was cold and I was fighting my depression

More time being silly happy with Oliver and my friends

Which dates from 2012 will you always remember?
11 feb – when Bella and Elin threw me a surprise party and everyone was there. This is when I finally decided to get better and start asking for help. 14 feb – my birthday. I was so worried about this day but all my friends showed up for dinner, Elin made me mango, salty liqourice merengue cake and Oliver said I love you. 10th Sep – I started my detox and gained control over my eating problems. 20th Nov – stared taking my anti depressant and finally felt that I had control over all the negative throughts.

What was your biggest success 2012?
Asking for help. Realising that there are things I cant do on my own. Pulling myself out of my issues on my own. Telling my parents.

Started skiing again. Hard that – looked like an old lady in the slope. Made a home with Oliver, even if it’s far from perfect its ours.

Biggest mistake?
Friends I’ve lost. All the time spent in my head with negative thoughts. Not being able to trust the help that medicine can give you until there was no other solution. I wish I could have helped myself earlier.

Best buy?
Oliver’s and my trip to Berlin. My trip to NYC with the girls and my new leather jacket. Have a feeling it can be as popular as my old one. My Acne boots.

Did anything make you really happy?
My friends who stood by me and really understood. Oliver who’s been by my side through all of this, never judging and always helping. Coming home for Christmas and being so happy to be home. Going to the swedish christmas fair and buying Advent things with Kix realising I feel truly happy and how much i love ginger bread. My brother jumping on a plane coming over here for me. Bella and Elin throwing the surprise party for me. Cuddle with Ziggy. Having sister and Micke here for a magical weekend of food and strawberry daquirirs. To see Julia smile again and knowing that Bella have a job. All the exciting things ahead for Filippa and Erik and reading Sanna’s 2012 list knowing how happy she is now. And going home for Maggies party in a week (yes, this is now but it counts since I get to go home and meet everyone). Also, Maggie walking with me through the night in Ibiza looking at me and saying ‘I didnt understand’ and all her little messages since then.

Whatsapp – for all the love that comes through my phone from all my friends.

 Which songs will always remind you of 2012?
Gagnam style. Filippa and me on a table in NYC. Melissa Horn – whenever I was so sad I thought i was going to give up I could listen to her and know others feel the same way and it always gets better.

Where you happier or sadder compared to other years?
Sadder – across the board. This was, without doubt, the hardest year of my life. But it means that 2013 will be awesome. I can feel it in my bones.

What do you wish you would have done more?
Had more time for my friends. Laughed. Kissed Oliver. Seen my friends in Sweden. Feeling careless and knowing that it will all work out for the best. Danced without having my body act up the day after.

What do you wish you would have done less?
Cried, worried, obsessed with things I cant change, stressed about how my friends will react when all the do is wish me well, freaked out on Oliver when he tried to help me.

Feeling shit when drinking alcohol – my body really couldnt handle it. Spent time at the GP.

Being so scared of asking for help and getting myself out of all this.

Favourite show on TV?
Dont watch TV but my favourite shows are Glee, New Girl, and Vampire Diaries. The ones me and Ol watched and I loved was The Killing, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood and Twin peaks

Best book you read this year?
I can barely remember reading. Read lots of new fantasy I loved – Joe Abercrombie, Sandersons new one and The Immortal Instruments saga. A couple of other cool ones are Calvinos Baron in the Trees, Marcus The Flame Alphabet, Franzen Freedome. And Chrisses Svavlevinter book of course.

Best musical experience?
Dig vill jag lyssna på just nu i mitt 2012

Something you wished for and didnt get?
For everyone to be friends but sometimes that isnt up to me.A way to be in London and Sthlm at the same time. Im still working on that one.

What did you do on your birthday 2012?
Oliver, Elin and Tom sang for me in the morning. Then i went to work dressed as a fairy and had balloons delivered. In the evening we had dinner in the pub around the corner with the closest friends and in bed that night Oliver said he loved me. A perfect day in a tricky time in my life.

Is there anything that could have made your year better?
To have all my friends in the same city but that is a dream I will keep on dreaming since I know it wont happen. Otherwise no, i needed this year exactly as it was.

What made you feel good?
Oliver and Kix. I dont think I would have made this year without them. Kix took my hand i led me through all of this and Oliver held me everytime i was sad.

Long walks trying to sort my head out. Anti depressants. Reading easy books and watching Glee.

Hanging out with people I love, cuddle with Zig and talk, talk, talk with Kix. Messages from my friends and long emails when you cant talk all the time. 

Which famous person did you fancy?
Hugh Jackman. He is always on my list. Yum.

Who did you miss?
Friends and family. Hanging with the girls on a sunday laughing about everything that happened over the weekend. Play with Agnes and Nisse and have a glass of wine with my sister and Micke. Watching hunger games with Julia and share a bed with Bella after a night out talking about boys. Sitting with my parents and brother in Nykoping discussing something loudly and passionately.

The best new person you met?
Greta – Paola’s daughter.

Most proud over?
Myself – I kick ass who got through this year. That i told everyone even if that was the hardest ever. Most of the time I thought i was just going to let this one slide and hide it away but a part of me realises I will never actually work with it then so I pulled myself together and had those awkward talks. 

 Wish right now?
For this year to be what i think it will be. For mum and dad to have a great time when they come in March. To keep feeling happy and in harmony. Have an amazing year appreciating it the way I didnt manage to do with 2012. My new years resolutions are Drivers license (hell yeah, its finally happening) and remember that I’m happy even when that seems hard.

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