How do you not fall apart?

Today will be tricky. I can feel it in my bones. I woke up with a sense of loss. No Oliver, no Woolly. Met Lollo for dinner yesterday and for a second it all felt like it would be ok. We talked, I laughed and i think I almost forgot that nothing is the same any longer.

Today I feel it. How can a house feel so empty? How can the sight of someone’s stack of pens make me so sad. I have hated those pens at times. Now they just make me feel empty and lonely.

My friends keep telling me that im so brave for doing this. Leaving something before the hurt. Leaving when we can still be friends, when no one has done anything that cant be undone. Leaving before there are kids and a life even more entangled. I dont feel brave. I feel small. In my loneliest moments I wish I would have pushed all this hurt to the future. Put my head in the sand and stayed with this amazing man and dealt with this in some unspecified future.

But we didn’t. When you still love someone you don’t want to see them hurt and I knew I couldn’t ever hurt Oliver. So we broke us.

So now im stuck in this grey land of broken memories. I need to build myself again, believe that there is someone for me, get my head out of guilt and start thinking that im worth someone and wont just walk away and hurt them. I’m so very scared of hurting people and I feel like that’s where i end up no matter what I do.

(Im sorry for all the cheesy pinterest quotes but my god I apparently need them. Them and cry all night songs. Like this. I fucking hate this song, it makes me break every time. I mean come on, ABBA? They just put all the hurt in words. Damn you swedish pop geniuses)

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