The first time I cried for as long as I can remember was in my first couple of months with Magnus. I had told him something very hard to talk about and he got so angry at the world and seeing his hurt i cried. It was a release. Being younger i had stopped crying for some reason. When my grandfather died my best friend said ‘you dont seem very sad, you dont cry’ and i wonder what was wrong with me, why i didnt have any feelings. I was 10 at the time and had met my grandfather a handful of times.
It took a long time for me to let crying be natural. When i broke up with Magnus is the first time i properly cried but even then i tried to push it down. I stood with Maggie at a bar on the night of our break up and tried to hide my tears. I remember late night calling Chrisse from some doorway crying my heart out asking if it would ever feel better. But that was only when i was drunk.
When i met Oliver tears became part of my life. Depression do that to you. How i cried. Everywhere. But they were tears of anguish. Impotent and a way for my body to reject how hard i found it to live. Tensed sobbing that tore itself from my body when i tried my best to shut it down. It was painful.
This time im not pushing anything down. I cry when i wake up, at work, to movies, to books, holding Woolly, talking to Oliver. And i think its good. It feels like im cleaning out all of that hurt with my tears. Like they carry the darkness with them. I know ill be dancing and laughing and faking, you have to, but if I can only get this out i think ill come out of this some demons lighter.