‘Lets talk about what feels strange on the inside’

It hits me sometimes that we are never going to happen. All our plans, our dreams, everything good about us will never happen. Ol will go off and do something else, set up a life with someone else and I’ll live with the shadows of us in my heart. Im not good at letting go and everyone I ever cared about live in my heart forever. I will (hopefully) meet someone and one day I will look at us and be glad about everything that we had and that its not us any longer but now it stabs me with sadness every time i think about it.

We wont happen. We will never move to NYC, we will never have babies that play too rough with Woolly, we will never buy our dream house and furnish it with explosions of colour and we will never stand at each others sides through thick and thin. We will never dream together again.

It’s sad. No matter how right this is I still find it very sad and every time it hits me its like my world tilts a bit, like I understand all over again what we have done. When I look at Ol he still belongs to me, his future is still intertwined with mine. My mind knows its not the case but my heart still believes. When im off to Sweden i think ‘next time you’ll be with me’. I wonder how long this will keep being like this for, when I’ll stop seeing my future with him.

Puzzles

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