You know how sometimes it can be hard to find that smile on some days. Mondays for instance – the whole worlds favourite day to hate.
I’m definitely a junkie to that blue ‘life is endless shit’ feeling and have at least one day a week thinking ‘what the fuck am i doing in this life?’ Rightly so sometimes. I mean, stepping in to hell on earth london tube and then sit in the office for 8 hours can make anyone go crazy.
Anyway, the ‘Only do one thing‘ site helps with those grey days. Just go in, do what it says and your day instantly gets better. Today, find a country song with a daft title
Jesus was a capricorn. Pretty daft in my mind.
NYC with the girls, that day didnt need any help to get better (maybe minus the hang over)
Check me out. I went home last night rather than go out. It was a close call but the angel on my shoulder won overe the devil. Woolla and me sat at home and watched Suits instead (ok, admittedly W wasn’t super into it – he prefers Vikings). Loving it (maybe because i have a little crush on the young guy. Even if he is blond. But he is so, well, cute (not that i do cute but once in a blue moon – and you know what, today is actually that blue moon*).
Tonight is Friday though. Definitely having at least one, most likely more, drinks. Having W all weekend with Ol being up to no good at some art festival somewhere means early to bed but that suits me anyway.
This is me and the girls in Ibiza 2 years ago. Im definitely reaching for the stars. This is what ill mak today be.
* A blue moon is when its 2 full moons in the same month and today this is happening. So, today is officially ‘once in a blue moon’
(Sorry Dad for posting so late today, hope you havent been in wondering what is going on. Nothing, im alive and kicking and eating matlåda feeling fine.)
Met this little dude on way in to work casually strolling around Holland Park. He was a long way from his home the japansese garden taking a tour around the streets of London. Cudos to you peacock man.
Met with Lollo last night. Our brief for the night was ‘somewhere with cute boys we can look at but dont have to talk to’. Ended up at nr 32 in Clapham and true to the brief there was a lot of cute boys to look at but not talk to – because they were all on dates.
Fun for them we thought (not at all bitter) and ate our food, drank our ciders and talked about dating, or rather the lack of.
I might have met my superior in crap flirting skills in Lollo. I tend flirt along the lines of ‘get me drunk, make me laugh, surprise kiss me and im yours’. I pretty much always end up going ‘i had nooo idea what was going on’.
Lollo on the other hand actively un flirt (none flirt? de flirt?). She had plans with the guy she is massively in to and cancelled without explanation due to ‘being double booked’ and then complained about the fact that he didnt want to go on a date with her.
Say what!? Even I get that you cant cancel plans due to some woolly double booking and hope that the guy dont take that as a massive diss. Beceause it kind of is.
Anyway, we both realised we a) need help just generally in this whole dating scene b) need to actually hang out with guys outside our jobs to have an honest chance at this c) actively decide to like someone and go for it rather than just sit back and hope for prince charming (or in my case – a slightly alcoholic rocker dude with a dream of adventures) to walk in the room d) maybe lower that specification list some. (I still wont add guys in club blazers mum) e) have loads of fun doing it (it as in dating, not it it).
My 4 months deadline for dating is up so i need to get on it. I just have a date with my sofa first. For about another 3 months.
This was my dinner last night. A well balanced, healthy dinner in these pre bikini times. But, this is not the only dinner i ended up cooking. Due to Ol coming late to leave the dog and J being a fail thinking of only eating chocolate after cricket I decided to cook them some food. Im nice like that.
That meant i had to try some, you know, to know what it was like. And eat some chocolate. And 2 ice creams. And while i was at it some cheese as well.
My beach 2015 plan failed miserably. Today is a new day though and even if that means dinner with Lollo im hoping for some fairly healthy eating. And maybe a cider or two.
Im pretty happy bikini will happen with only Sanna and that once at BM it doesnt matter any longer. Because you are drunk and havent washed for days and covered in sand and dont care for shit what people think for the previous reasons.
Have I mentioned i love that place?
Jakob cooked me dinner last night. Home made pytt i panna on sausage. Pretty damn amazing. Previous tries by that man havent necessarily rocked my world (they have been terrible) but this was very nice. Must be the crazy amount of butter.
Woolly thought so too and kept moaning under the table. His ‘its sausage and i cant keep it back’ moan. I gave him some sausage and as thanks he farted on me all night.
I was trying on BM clothes. Since we are there for 7 days this time around rather than 3 I need even more weird and wonderful outfits. This is a very sparkly, multi coloured jumpsuit. I look like a candy.
Its also side boob showing and completely backless. If that wasnt enough quite tight. Wise from last year I know none of that matters once you are out there on the playa. Anything that makes you smile when you see yourself is a winner.
Or looking tough. Love feeling like a tights and hat clad super hero.
Now i just need to get the toastmastery planned, last things for BM sorted and the crayfish party organised and im rocking for holiday.
Its getting a bit old me feeling shit on Mondays. To the point were the intervention texts have started coming. Good things its only 2 weeks until holidays.
To be honest though, we all know its been a bit much. Between me, Jacke, Miles and Rocky celebrating J yesterday we made a promise to drink less or stop hanging out. A friendship ultimatum.
This is me Saturday morning. We had the big quarterly at Tiger Tiger on Friday and went straight for the jagerbombs without passing go. By 8 basically everyone was pissed. By 10.30 i was asked to ‘walk around the block’ and escorted out by 2 bouncers.
Thrown out from Tiger Tiger at a work do. On my wall of shame.
Not sure what happened here but me being bruised all over is a sure sign of fun. After leaving the club we actually went to another one before I realised, rightly so, that if you are too drunk for one club you are probably too drunk for the next one. Was home by midnight.
After having sworn of drinks in the morning Tomlins happened. It was an easy one though. We went to Pix and then to the new Soho House.
Very cozy and mostly planning and talking wedding.
Except for Tommy talking about how big my boobs are. ‘ive never really thought about them’. ‘Well Tom, that makes me pretty happy to be honest. He is also trying to make me go skinny dipping on the wedding being ‘one of the lads’ and all. He obviously dont know my aversion to public nudity.
Sunday morning was J’s bday. I had gone to the swedish shop to get him a mazarin to wake him with all while singing beautifully but he didnt show up until 10.30 so i threw it at him in the kitchen. Fancy.
After hours of laying in bed watching movies we went out and i treated J to birthday lunch at Wahaca before going to the AIK pub to watch the game.
Rocky and Miles showed up as well and we had some bourboun and blueberry ciders (weirdly amazing) and saw AIK win. After one more drink at one more pub I went home to W and J went on for dinner. he is broken man today as you should after turning 32 having just moved to London.
I love this text by Sandra. I also loves that its written 11 months after the break up. It gives me perspective on my 4 months. That maybe its ok to still have bad hours/days/weeks when im so very sad we didnt work out. To not know how to get through the day. To come home drunk, look at myself in the mirror and scream because i dont know how I ended up here, how this became my life.
It goes up and down and some days im fine, I feel hope and plan for my future. Im happy.
Other days I wonder what im doing. I can see the sadness in me by how desperately im trying to do anything but be with only me. Jules and me spoke once on how you know you are not good with yourself – when you cant stand the quiet to actually have to listen to your own mind. When there is constant music in your ears, series on the TV and the phone in your hand.
That is me. Plus add booze.
How I agree with the above ‘you are so broken its not enough to drink tea and eat cakes to get over someone’. It doesnt work to sit at home. I tried. It doesnt work to take endless walks or just hang with friends. I’ve tried that too. You always have to come home to that empty flat.
Drink to forget and push that head into the wall. That works. For a while. Until you have to do it again. Go all in kamikaze on your life and do everything with that desperate edge that makes things blow up. Meet the eyes of the people who can see that in you and look at yourself in that mirror. Calls for another drink.
Ive been here before and I know it needs to stop eventually. My mind is getting tiny holes where the sadness seeps through. Every time i drink there is more of them. I try to wall them up but they are too many. And then i do stupid shit and there is a big f**king crater with an avalanche of negative thoughts.
Im not sure what to do. Previously I kind of get to a point and then just stop. No more. But that need the hurt to go and if I look really close (which im desperately trying not to do) im still all torn up about all of this. I cant even meet someone to rebound on becaue I know that’ll mess me up even more, Im no good with that.
So, I drink and try to not feel.
Thursday drinks again. This is a tradition that might be killing me. Me, Jakob, Miles, Mel and Jason went to The Warwick again and i think I counted about 8 rounds.
J and me spent the morning walking in alternatively dreaming of laying in a pool drinking virgin cocktails and talking about being lousy people for being massively hung over on a thursday.
The boys long after it went very foggy and both Mel and Jason had left us. Need to learn how to leave. It isnt necessary staying out to the bitter end EVERY time.
Miles helping some 17 year old boys were they should be going to meet girls. 17. Thats half my age.
I’m no good with drinking at the moment. There is a lot of anger about well, everything, and it comes out when im drunk. Im all hard edges. You know when the jokes arent funny any longer but borderline mean. And i dont want to be mean. I say things i definitely shouldnt. But, I get so bored I want to shoot myself when im just home alone.
I need holiday and a break from myself. I hope Spain can be a well needed pause from London and this life that doesnt seem to work very well for me at the moment.
Im going to admit something that is really hard to talk about. Mainly because its such a negative feeling and I dont want to be a negative person. But, sometimes the mind does what i wants and you just got to go for the ride.
Im really jealous of all my friends having the things I just said goodbye too. Being in relationships, having babies, getting married. Im both very happy for them but also find it so hard because I want to be there too. I watch them be where i want to be and somewhere in my heart there is a little dark corner going ‘damn you, how i wish that was me.’
At the same time im very happy being where i am at the moment. Finding my way back to what i want to do, having a lot of fun, being surrounded by people making me smile. Its like there is 2 parts to me at the moment. A dark, jealous, negative part and one that is smiling big and dreaming even bigger.
I try to not let the darkness shine through and think positive on me and my life. That i will be there too and it will all be at the right time and right place and I will be happier than i ever thought. I try and keep that thought when I look at the world and stumble to keep up with everything around me.
I cant wait for holiday. With the lucky stroke of actually going to BM I have 3 weeks this summer. Feels pretty damn epic. However, still 2 weeks to go. Feels like eternity in a summery London with nothing to do at work.
Well, I spend my time going for drinks, socialising and sitting on the sofa. Yesterday I went with Dimitra for a drink before heading to pick up the dog. He’s a blessing in disguise since he make me not go ’til late (D is sick from work today…)
Picked up mini monster and took him on the tube. He chilled and i admired my nails as well as worrying about this wound on my foot (from a shoe mind you but my homeless feet are not to be trusted) that i think might be on the way to get infected.
Since im miss ‘dont mind me, I dont need legs’ Im still walking in and just hoping that the wound will sort itself out. That hasnt proven very sucessful in the past but hey, not a summer without some kind of weird wound (think last one was fine so im probably in for a treat this year)
State of mind. Last night i wanted to punch that little furry guy when I was awake between 3 – 5 with my wound hurting (im sure it’ll be fine) and W slept soundly next to me and then as soon as I feel asleep he started fussing needing to go out and wanting to sleep under the covers. The life of a dog parent.