Going crazy in my lonesome

Ok, so you know when you say you need a break. Or, at least you know when I say i need a break because that happens regularly like clock work. After thursday’s impromptu drinking fest my liver felt like twice its size and my insides like its been bathed in all sorts of alcohol. Not pretty.

So, needed a break. And man, did the gods listen. My little man, the sometimes bane of my existence, made sure to need an operation and then had me sitting on the sofa watching out for him licking his paw. All weekend. And to put a cherry on top he also had me waking up about 5 times a night to scream at him to STOP LICKING THAT PAW. Because fucktard dog that doesnt get simple things like dont lick your broken paw.

Why no cone you might wonder.

Well, Oliver forgot the cone at the vets and decided to make one instead.

All good in the hood since Ol is a ninja and he made Wool (in this picture SO FUCKING high he kept falling over. Like his mummy) a flashy pink cone out of some plastic binders.

Unfortunately the cone made him puke. And moan. And then puke some more. So i had to give up on flashy pink fashionista dog and ended sleeping with his paw in my hand. And waking up every time he moved. I think we hated eachother at some point there.

Saturday he felt VERY sorry for himself. Especially since i kept telling him off for licking that paw. Evil mummy. Since no cone I couldnt leave the house. Or shower. Flash backs from being swamp armed.

After another night of non sleep W and me awoke on Sunday with tired eyes and tired of being at home. Ol came by to fed us and gave me a break so I could go to sainsburys. For 10 min. Woohoo, freedom. Then he was off living the high life with his girlfriend and I grumped away on the sofa stuck with doggy angry at the world (apparently not sleeping or seeing the outside dont do much for your mental health.)

I did shower though. When you can smell yourself shower have to happen. When i came out W had licked that paw into a little wet slug. Damn you W. I put on ‘slouching around at home feeling sorry for myself hating on men (will tell you that story one day)’ outfit and decided to have a little head phone dance party to make myself happy.

It kind of worked. Sent a pic to Rocky of him and his bff Katta. Like a giant goddess blessing their friendship. Then i danced for an hour and watched some of the new netflix series Love. Its amazing. Also hits a bit close to home for me at the moment. Like a mirror you are not sure you want to have a look in.

Kind of happy going into work this morning. Hello outside.

Dont befriend your local bartender

Was supposed to meet George yesterday but he had to work (booo) so grabbed my favourite crazy french guy Jean and went up to try Dans new drinks menu at Callooh Callay. The nerd trio helped him write the Sherlock Holms back story for it (late night SOS messages from Dan of ‘DONT SLEEP – READ MY STORY’ to wake up to many mornings) and we went to the back bar JubJub to try it out.

That would have been a couple of drinks and then home if Jean and me hadnt decided to befriend this awesome girl called Charlie and then gone to her bar that was just around the corner to throw an afterparty in the closed bar until 4 in the morning.

Dont befriend bartenders…they are awesome people and give you booze cheap. Which isnt the best idea for me ever. Also, dont have amazing french friends that are your best and worst combo ever. Love Jean but he is even worse than i am. Think about that one.

So life continue to be fun but mental but fun.

Before that had a quick beer with Tommy, Elin and Roxy.

Tonight Rocky’s bday drink and tomorrow a leaving drink. But, might have to forcefully make myself stay on the sofa tomorrow because too much. Life. Just generally.

Feeling thursdayd

Had dinner with Ol last night. Our little hound was a miserable little monster after hurting his foot and massively milking it so we went to the vet and then he got carried home. For 20 min. He weighs 15kg. Lets just say Ol did 18 of those 20 minutes. I blame swamp arm for my poor performance but honestly, Im just really weak.

So nice having a catch up. Gods know its not always easy being friends with your ex but its worth it, love that tape worm weirdo.

Tonight seeing George and being dog free. Wohoo, feels like i need to rave it up to celebrate but honestly, still feeling the weekend. Just realised i forgot my change of clothes at home (dad avert your eyes) so guess Friday’s party will be spent in todays dressed down outfit. Oh well, you win some you lose some.

Outfit. Not actually what im wearing today but almost. Have a t-shirt on instead. With pink metallic lines. Like a cool 90’s kid on acid. Did I hear grown up? Didnt think so.

Peace out party people. Love is blind

I become very good at pretending, at excuses, at lying. And I’m so, so tired. All the time.

It’s a couple of days before my birthday and life is tricky. No matter how hard I try its too much. Weeks ago I cried on the sofa like my heart was breaking for no reason at all. Or, the reasons are there but I’m not able to put them into words yet. They are about depressions and life and about being sick. The things I will only be able to see when I come out on the other side of all of this.

Now I’m spiralling down. Shutting my eyes and pretending it’s normal to put your fingers in your throat and puke up your food because of stress. Stress and sadness and all the things that hurt so much I can’t cope.

It’s a couple of days before my 30th and I’m breaking into pieces trying to hold my world together. I’ve lost my sense of safety and I’m drifting. The people I have come to count on in this new country are fighting and I don’t know how to fix it. I tried. But it wasn’t mine to fix and now I don’t know how to fix anything, especially not myself.

I can’t talk about it. Think I have to deal on my own. I hide from my boyfriend, puke in the bathroom and come out with a plastered smile. ‘Don’t worry, the food just makes me a bit sick. It’s fine’. I lie to everyone. I become very good at pretending, at excuses, at lying. And I’m so, so tired. All the time.

Me, Elin and Bella go to the pub to have a beer to celebrate that it’s my birthday soon, that I’m turning the big 30, and I’m wearing clothes I feel pretty in even if I never feel pretty any longer. All of a sudden someone I know walks in and I’m surprised they are here. They give me a hug and say happy birthday and I don’t really compute. More and more people come and I sit there with tears in my eyes because they are here. My friends. The people that cares about me and mean the world to me. The ones that don’t get along are here in the same room, for me.

When you are small and the world is a tricky you wear your heart on your sleeve. You might think it’s all wrapped up and hidden away but everything feels and that night I don’t feel alone or adrift. I feel loved. I look around and I have friends that will do this for me.

It will take me another year to start talking, to get myself out of wherever I’m hiding and the people in that room are the ones helping me by showing me how. That I’m actually worth all of this. I don’t remember much from turning 30, mind way too dark, but I do remember that.

Dinner and more unicorns

Met Dani and Kirsten for dinner last night. Finally. I think this was the third try, down side of being three girls with a lot of plans trying to make dates happen.

But, three’s a charm and we met up at Flesh and Buns (delicious, its a sister restaurant to Bone Daddies) and had drinks, food and a much needed catch up.

Since last time Kirsten have gotten engaged (!), Dani have decided to move to San Fransisco with her new boyfriend (!!) and i turned 34 (I feel like im losing on this one). Its 2 months since we met, these girls move fast.

But, even if they might out do me on momentous life events I was the birthday girl so got some awesome gifts.

Kirsten gave me a make your own sock unicorn (if you’ve seen deadpool soft, cuddly unicorns might have been forever tainted)

Im impressed by her belief in my sewing skills. She clearly doesnt know me that well (im also thinking that those socks are amazing, might just keep them without making a unicorn from them. Crazy, i know)

She also gave Dani and me matching earrings. Now we can bling around in the desert like the glitzy bad ass bitches we are. Nothing like someone giving you flair.

After dinner came home and swagged around the flat in the ventian mask Dani gave me. Woolly seem less than impressed. He’s got no feeling for his mum’s style that little hound.

Or maybe it was a teaser for things to come because when i tried to leave the flat this morning W was limping around with one leg hanging feeling sorry for himself. No idea what happened but the little monster couldnt walk so Ol came over and we carried him up to his studio wheer he laid in his bed occassionally licking your face with a close to death look in his eyes.

Im seeing Ol for dinner tonight so might have to swing by the vet. Hope the little nose is ok.

The dreams of being stuck in a nerd sandwich

Went to the cinema to see Deadpool with George and his friends yesterday. Best super hero movie ever. Half of the fun was sitting next to George happy as a kid about all the inappropriate jokes laughing his ass off. I just wish Dan would have been there, then it would have been stereo in the Dan and George nerd sandwich.

His friends asked how we knew each other and I got hailed as a nerd with the Star Wars party story told. Boom. Never have my nerdiness been something to feel that ace about.

And on that note, here are some pictures from Saturday where I look like some kind of glow stick super hero bad ass.

Love everything about this picture. My glowstick bunny ears, my shot belt (all kinds of awesome) and PimpShuei. best place to have a party EVER. My older bro just decided that next year ill be a unicorn with a lighsaber horn. Why didnt i think of that before?

Love that i went ‘I need to dress in all black so that whatever blingy acessoars I put on match my outfit’. Doing dress up like a pro.

Tonight meeting Dani and Kirsten, unless someone cancels. Always a very likely chance with those two. Every night of this week is booked except sunday. Living the high life. Hard to fit in cute guy for dates but one do ones best.

Fuck yeah my life

So, managed to turn 34, yeah me. All those years feels today. Maybe next year ill be less of a drunken unicorn. Wouldnt count on it but sure, there is always a chance. 

My saturday started with me getting flowers from my parents. Love flowers and love my parents so a pretty banging combo. And its something about getting a flower delivery that is all kinds of magical.

Met oliver with Woolly and he gave me a bday gift – really beautiful coasters. Not surprising M had a hand in chosing these, her taste is impeccable.

Spent most of the day walking around being generally nervous about the evening and trying on my glowsticks. Im such a fail – was convinced no one was going to show up so had to text like everyone being all ‘are you really coming’.

Then i spent an hour being done just sitting on my bed wishing for a drink but being too jittery to manager to actually go buy one.

Eventually Katta came down and we headed up to the bar.

And of course I had the best night ever. Because my friends are ALL KINDS of amazing. Like really. Big up to all of you. Elin and Tom came with a shot belt that made me serve everyone luke warm boob shots and I got unicorns, booze, flowers, dates and dreams.

Like really. Every time after a night like this i feel like i dont deserve you because you are the best. When the clock struck midnight and Chuck made me go back in the bar and you all sang to me and I had jäger poured all over my face (yes) I had one of those ‘fuck yeah my life’ moments.

George told me the day after that my friends are really amazing and they all care about me and I was like ‘i know right’ and smiled despite THE WORST HUNG OVER ever.

He was pretty bad ass too though and had put all of these valentines posters we laughed about earlier up on the walls as well as giving me a heart shaped chesse because ‘cheesiest gift ever’ (I have a suspision aussies are secretly all from Göteborg).

We ended up having an after party at mine and went to bed at 5.30, Was high as a kite on all that red bull. Yes to jägerbombs but no to heart flimmer.

So, my actually birthday was spent on the sofa like this. So happy i hadnt made any plans, even this never stop dancing dreamer needs a break once in a while.

And had my favourite hairy man next to me so cant complain about anything at all.