Behind the mask

Behind all these posts about scans and tests and results is a deep to the bone stress. When people told me to try and not stress during this process i see where they are coming from. Because once you start its there. And you cant stop thinking about it. There are babies and pregnant women everywhere. Everywhere. Even in your dreams.

But how do you not stress about something that you are going to doctors appointments for? Something that affects all decisions of your life. Something you have dreamt of for a long time? And that you dont have any answers for?

That takes a stronger mind than mine. I do stress. And worry. And lay awake at night thinking about it. It affects George as well. Of course it does. Im in a bad place and his life is filled up with all of this too. At the clinic yesterday i saw that they do counselling focused on this and once back from holiday i will look into it. Because this is too hard.

There is where my mind ends up laying awake in the middle of the night. That this is just too hard. That i want to flee my own life. That if i walk out and dont look back i dont have to face reality. No, that is not an option and i dont WANT that but i cant help but dream of easier times.

My life is not harder than anyone elses, life is a shit storm sometimes and i know a lot of people fighting harder things. But right now this is my reality and its bringing me down.

Yesterday i had a business meeting at Salesforce. They have taken over pretty much all of Heron Tower except for the restaurants at top. Awesome view even if i was sure some security guards was about to tackle me at all times.

Wore birds.

Ate lentil salad. Wish i could say i was thinking about Bulgaria and beach life in a couple of weeks but no. My stomach is so bloated and have been for the last couple of months so im just giving in to it.

Like this dude. No cares in the world. I wish that life was that easy some times.

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