The first hurdle down

Ok, here goes. We had our dreaded and long awaited doctors appointment yesterday. Dreaded because the last thing they said was that were a very big chance we could never have a baby. And then left us hanging for three months. And that’s why the answer was looooong awaited.

Clever move. Because when they told us yesterday that we need ivf we rejoiced. I mean, there is a chance for that little Bulgarian/Aussie/Swedish/Norwegian monster.

So yes, due to George having both a low percentage of correctly shaped sperm and slow swimmers and me having one follicle higher up there is a very low chance for natural conception. Those slow swimming buggers have an even longer way to swim to get to the goal.

So here we are. Waiting for the fun ride of ivf. Next step is seeing a consultant and plan the treatment. NHS gives you one fresh cycle and one frozen (thank you you awesome institution) and after that we can continue private at the same clinic if it doesn’t work.

Ivf means hormone treatment for me for about 4 weeks, two of them which is daily injections (fun) and then minor surgery to remove the eggs, mix them of with the Bulgarian champions and then hope for an embryo for implantation.

And if all goes well it’ll be a baby at the end. You know, barring miscarriage and normal issues. It’s about 20% chance to get pregnant in an ivf cycle.

So there is a long way to go still. But at least we know, we have a plan and can focus rather than spending all our time wondering. Focus on the goal guys, a little baby but the end of next year!

Kind of gave it away when our form at the doctors had like a million not so fun stickers that they expected us to be coming back a lot.

Today sick in bed. Guess I crashed from everything. My fever dreams last night was interesting to say the least.

Baby it’s cold outside

Early morning. I went to bed at 9 yesterday. So tired. I have lit all the candles in the living room and me and Woolly are in the soft glow from the Christmas tree. I’m reading an easy book with my cup of tea.

I do everything to not think about the fact that my period came today. Again. I dreamt that we had a baby and it hated me. To the point that it left to live with another family. Don’t even get me started on what that might mean.

In the darkness of a lonely morning with George still in bed I’m just sad. And a bit hopeless. There is no pretending for friends or colleagues or George. It’s just me and the fact that I’ve been hoping for a year and it feels so, so far away. I don’t even remember how to believe this is going to happen any longer.

I’ll just have to put my love on my little furry baby instead.

Christmas party galore

Im in a world of hungover pain today. We had our Christmas party and lets just say that there was a lot of booze and very little food and you can probably guess the rest.

Love my team though. Got a lot of love from everyone for them. People kept telling me that my team is amazing and and everyone kept chanting Uday throughout the night. And more than one person told me its because im a great manager. Got a little teary eyed. Plus i got compliments for my dress. An overall very good night. (100% more proud of the praise of my management than my dress. Boss lady.)

We started the day with Secret Santa. Natalia as a happy little elf.

Santa clearly knows me. Boozy candy. Yum.

I gave Martin a shirt with dancing brussel sprouts on. Feel like i nailed it.

Very happy Secret Santa team. Good work crew.

Went home and got my make up going. Red lips for the win.

Drinking Henry Westons in honour of Henry. Even if he left us. Bastard.

Team drinking.

Then i took zero photos, had a great night, danced like there was no tomorrow, forgot to eat and the best time with my colleagues. Until i realised i was hammered around midnight and went home.

Really glad i had a photographer to document the end of my night. And no, im not eating from Woollys bowl.

The world os not an easy place today.

But at least Uday is a f**king hero and got us all makkie breakfast.

Rocking Christmas jumper day today. Light it up guys.

Thank god for no plans tonight. Need sofa and no alcohol bad. Especially since we are doing another Christmas party tomorrow. Bless my liver.

Glad Lucia

Im currently sitting at work and watching Lucia from Sweden on my screen. Love modern times that makes it so much easier to be an expat. At times like this i really miss Sweden. But only a week left and im home.

On Sunday we finally have our appointment. Its been a long wait since October to get our results. Well, its been a long wait since June when i first went to the GP to start the investigation. Cross your fingers with us for some happy answers. That would be the best Christmas gift ever.

Yesterday i had the CS team over for a drinkstorming. We had so much to discuss that they ended up staying for an extra hour. Sorry… Hard fit to have everyone in my living room but with a drink and some cheese everything seems easy.

Cold out today. Zero and feels like minus. Cant say this out loud here in London but finally. Loving the cold.

The first proper frost of the year. Woolly was having a blast running around and playing with the frosty sticks. Giving me a bit of a run around as well. Cheers.

The sun peaking out among the trees. I dont mind the cold at all when its frosty and sunny like this.

This is my screen. Lucia, baubles and unicorns. Look at me adulting.

Dreading the hangover tomorrow after the Christmas party tonight but we have a McDonalds order for egg and sausage muffin tomorrow and everyone else will be in it with me which will hopefully make it easier. If i dont post tomorrow im still alive but dying and have zero capacity for writing.

Little bowtie doggo

I feel better today. Guess i needed my little freak out yesterday. Went home, curled up on the sofa and just let it be painful. So today its all about being S.T.R.O.N.G.E.R. George is off in Bristol and im hosting a drinkstorming for one of my teams at home. Plan is to not get them too drunk since its the Xmas party tomorrow.

And then Sweden next week. Cant wait for holiday. Even if its ‘holiday’ with time in Stockholm, country house and Dublin in the 12 day period. Running around like a lil rabbit like always. But Christmas so happy anyway.

Me too everyone. Especially the ones who doesnt even want a gift.

W is looking very snazzy today in his bowtie from Lucie and Marketa. Dressing up for last day in the office before Christmas.

He is also an absolute gingerbread fiend and this is his little nose in my lap all day hoping that some will just drop into his face.

Its simply not easy

People around me keep getting pregnant. As people do. But man does it hurt. Like deep down in that core of me that is so sad that its never our turn. And no, your success story doesnt really help me because well, im still hoping every day for something that doesnt happen and ive kind of stopped seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If im going to be honest your happy story just turn me into an ugly, jealous monster that wants to hide under a blanket. Pretty huh?

I think you need to have gone through this to really understand. How your heart break every month and after a while you stop hoping. You stop considering it a possibility and just shut down that part of you. Its easier when you dont feel. And even if hope is the last to go its fucking painful having it crushed again and again. So its easier to not hope. To stop thinking about names or imagining what books you will read or how you will show them your favourites from when you were little.

I think that might be why being alone at home is easier at the moment. Its easier to shut down the emotions when things arent in your face. To hide in books. To float in a non thinking vacuum. To exist rather than live.

Things are easier here. On the sofa with Woolly. Under two blankets and with books about fighting evil and no babies in sight. Gingergread dough and marshamallows only an arm away.

A genius invention. Sock slippers. Like cotton clouds for yout feet.

My dress for Saturdays xmas party at Soren and Bettinas. I feel like i can win Christmas in this. And as you know, this year is all about winning Christmas.

Ha. Sock galore. My feet will be warm and cozy in these awesome things. Loving the puguines. Feel like i need one in my life. Asap. Anyone who wants to give me a pup for Christmas will be my friend forever.

Dreams of warmer days

13 days to go. Not long now, not long at all. Back in Sweden in 10 days. I will eat all the saffron buns. Mum told me i had to bake the saffron buns this year…like every year for the last 10 years… Dont worry mum, the buns will be baked.

In this cold December lets look back at warmer days. Heres some lovely pictures from Danis wedding.

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George and me capturing the bride to clearly describe something very interesting. And drinking margaritas…yum.

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Yes, im talking and explaining again. Ha, and also pushing my stomach out. Even if i dont like dieting i am quite happy that to have lost some of that weight i put on during my very stressful summer.

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Love my Dani. So happy i got to spend some time with her. I miss her every day in this city that have always felt like Danis to me.

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Ha, the most George photo ever. And my boobs. Thats was a very revealing dress. Never wear that but George told me that if you have the boobs you have to show them and well, decided that yes, show off them knockers.

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Look, i can listen too.

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Love this photo of George. What a handsome man i have bagged.

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Such a lovely wedding. Nothing better than celebrate your friends on their days. Next year we have Cormac in Dublin, Ben and Laura in Sydney and Sanna and Peter in Spain. Hands up to global friends.