Actually leaving the house

Friday. We are Woolly free this weekend so the world is our oyster. Tomorrow hopefully going to the Stanley Kubrick exhibition and on Sunday seeing Jean, Natalia and baby Sophie.

Im trying to be better at seeing people. Its my own problem that i feel lonely, there are people for me to hang out with, im just lazy and tired. And next week im seeing Lollo and then Prague for the weekend.

I dont know, its a combo of being very tired and not having that many people around to meet up with. So i feel lonely. But then i struggle with guilt for asking G to be home with me. I mean, everyone who knows him knows he is happiest with all his friends around.

Yesterday i felt like a snake that swallowed a piglet. Feeling very filled up with baby.

Belly still low down for W to chill on. He loves putting his head on there. Until he got a little kick in his head and then he moved. Sorry.

Me and my massive preggers pillow. Hard work that one but awesome for my back. Going to take a bit of time to get used to and George keeps saying he and W have been replaced. They havent, they just cant fix my back right now.

Thought i went for pretty sky blue, it turned out to be horrible hospital gown colour.

But, the boys seems to be enjoying the pillow after all.

Being that person

I feel like im snowballing into old age today. First i went to the dentist and he decided i needed a mouth guard when i sleep. Yes, im now one of those people that get ready for bed by putting in a very sexy mounth guard…

Then i got to work and couldnt find my cup. I mean, its a swedish, mega cup but i spent 30 minutes looking for it. Involving half the office.

I might need help. Or a walking cane.

Other sexy, young peoples things ive been up to is buying a massive preggers pillow, eyeing up another set of loooouuuuunge wear, deciding on a ergonomic backpack and hiding all my high heeled shoes.

Life is wild kids.

At least i had a pretty walk to the dentist this morning.

Scars

One of the things that are hard to talk about now that im pregnant and everything worked and we are so happy waiting for our little boy is the backlash of the two last years.

For a very long time i lived under constant stress and worry. Doctors appointments, disappointments, endless waiting, laughing, because what else to do, at how i walked, ass hanging out, through the hospital corridors doubled over in pain after being turned upside down in machine and filled up with blue liquid. Weeks of constant injection and not to mention the three months we were told we were unlikely to ever have children.

Laying awake late at night and asking George ‘what do we do if we cant? Do we adopt, sperm donor, give up on family’. Questions too big too handle.

And that constant, underlying fear and worry of an unknown future.

Everything culminating in 2 months of a crazy rollercoaster for my body. The injections filling me up with hormones and eggs. Pain so bad i had to go to the hospital, nightmares every night and then two weeks of reading every sign of my body without wanting to hope too much but googling everything late at night.

Then happiness. Pregnancy and hormones and tiredness and back to traveling every week and not recognising my body but dreaming of my little baby in there.

But im starting to feel it now. The tiredness, the loneliness, the anger at the world and at George when he is not around. I think its my mind finally catching up with everything that happened. It went too quick from despair to elation, its only catching up now and dont even know what to feel. Add to that your normal pregnancy hormones.

I think i have to accept the war ive been through. What it did to my mind. That its probably going to take a bit of time for me to fully come to terms with this. How happiness and sadness can coexist without taking from the other.

Or as Elsa Billgren describes it on her blog

index

‘So many things we do just because we have to and then just go on’. And thats how it is, you do it because there is no other way but it doesnt mean there is no scars.

Those were the times

Im feeling very pregnant today. As in tired, heavy and to be honest, boring. So i needed a little look back to the times when i was fun.

Awesome night for Canemans hen do. After ski theme and we went bananas on Sannas mums old bronzing powder.

Secret Cinema 20s style.

Pirate themed work party at Unibet. Only way to fight the seasick was to get drunk. Worked like a charm.

First year Burning Man. I know you guys are tired of hearing of this but i get jealous every time around this year seeing my fellow pixies in the desert.

Another BM. 8 in the morning at Bubbles and Bass after a long night at Robot Heart. This is what  its all about.

Halloween is my jam man. Dress up and goth. Need to figure out what to paint the belly as this year.

Young and pretty (?). Trash can Santa (and yes, Sanna and Filippa seem to be my wingwomen in most of these. Fellow lovers of a good dress up party)

More desert because who doesnt love the desert. Cant believe Dani and me are both having boys.

How i miss glowsticks. And yes, i know, i can still wear them but its simply not the same.

Maybe its time for another Secret Cinema. Best excuse to dress up and you dont actually have to be drunk to get away with it.

Summer mornings. One day ill be face covered in glitter having danced through the night again fuelled by redbull.

Send me to the beer tent someone please.

Not even 30. Those were the days. Young and dumb in your 20s. And definitely fitter than right now.

Unicorns! Because this is what they really look like. No rainbows and shit, just pure magic.

The pre party, dress up drinking excitement.

Wrapped up in a whip with some seriously hot girls. Yes.

This was last year. Still fun. A couple of years now of being just a mum and then ill be back to crazy outfits and glitter. Just watch me.

A letter to you

You are kicking away in there. In the evenings, in the middle of the night. Whenever i try to chill out, whenever i try to sleep. Strong legs. Lots of energy. Constantly reminding me you are there.

I wonder so who you are. Im rewatching One Tree Hill and the main character is called Lucas and is a basketball playing book lover. It feels serendipitous. Like thats how you could end up if you took the passions from your mum and your dad.

I hope you will be kind. Respectful to everyone. Caring. I dont really want anything from you other than kindness. And an openess to all kinds of people. You will grow up with blood from three nations and roots from all over the world. I hope that makes you curious and open.

I hope i can give you the feeling of love, security and non judgment. I will love you whoever you are. I already do. Whatever you choose to do in your life ill stand by your side and i cant wait to get to know the people you surround yourself with. If there is one thing i have learned from your dad is that there is goodness in everyone if you give them a chance.

I already love you but i cant wait to LOVE you. For who you are. For your good and your bads. For the things that make me yell at you and for the things that make me hug you. For the things that remind me of me or your dad and for the things that are only you.

Me and your dad are busy figuring out what to name you. I might seem easy and once you are you there could be no other way but there is power in a name. And I want you to grow up in the knowledge that you have the power to be whoever you want to be.

Less than 5 months until we get to meet you. Until then ill keep loving those kicks that keep me up at night and live through the very annoying backache that will eventually give me you.

Little raver boy

My back is killing me today. Must have slept funny because kind of have to like half lean back to get in position. Good thing im working from home. Off to Paris tomorrow though so hoping itll be better by then.

Other than that. Its Monday and 13 degrees. Absolutely loving it. The weather, not necessarily the monday part. George is in Finland and W and me have the house to ourselves. Feel like thats all we do these days. Move our grey asses around the sofa for hours.

Starting to feel a bit lonely here. George is out a lot of the time and i just dont have that many people around any longer. And the trek to East with belly and doggo is a bit of a schlep. And soon Katta is going back to Sweden. Im going to have to go on some mama dates or something before i go stir crazy.

Ah, the times when one was still fun.

On Friday Sophie came to the office. This is her photo face.

Dancing away in the office. She is such a little cutie.

And here is our cutie. Little baby boy 20 weeks old.

Let put those hands in the air!

On Saturday Ben and Laura were in town and we went to Gloria for her bday. Happy gang getting ready for some party times.

Happy birthday gorgeous.

I headed home to W after lunch and the others stayed out. Love hurts when youve left your dog for 5 hours. Hed also been sick all over the flat. Poor boy.

George was hungover and slept on Sunday morning (lunch time to be honest) and W and me took a pretty autumn walk. Its definitely getting chillier.

Then i made a whole batch of chcolate balls i downed in 2 hours. Viva pregnancy. We also nailed almost the whole first season of Dark. So damn good.

And, this was us the rest of the weekend. Chillers.

Candy never lies

 

Yes, its correct. Candy never lies and its a little baby boy in there in my belly. Hello little one.

For the ultra sound today everything looked perfect and he held his own little hand hiding his face. Too cute to handle. But we managed to get all the data they needed and all is looking good. Cant believe we are meeting our little boy in less than 5 months.

No more ultra sounds, from now on its just blood test and measuring the belly at the GP and midwife. The baby was laying feet down now but hes moving around like a little monster so that will most likely change. So now there is nothing but planning, enjoying the little kicks and chilling until next appointment in 5 weeks.

Im feeling quite emotional today. It felt so real seeing everything and hes becoming a little person. We are really becoming parents. Like for real. Its not a joke. We need to take care of a human.

Katta came over last night and we ate gumbo and watched a romantic movie. Plus blanket and candle weather. W just wanted to play. Too bad mama is all tired and big these days.

Tonight we are taking it easy at home and tomorrow we are seeing Ben and Laura that are on their honeymoon traveling around Europe.