One of the things that are hard to talk about now that im pregnant and everything worked and we are so happy waiting for our little boy is the backlash of the two last years.
For a very long time i lived under constant stress and worry. Doctors appointments, disappointments, endless waiting, laughing, because what else to do, at how i walked, ass hanging out, through the hospital corridors doubled over in pain after being turned upside down in machine and filled up with blue liquid. Weeks of constant injection and not to mention the three months we were told we were unlikely to ever have children.
Laying awake late at night and asking George ‘what do we do if we cant? Do we adopt, sperm donor, give up on family’. Questions too big too handle.
And that constant, underlying fear and worry of an unknown future.
Everything culminating in 2 months of a crazy rollercoaster for my body. The injections filling me up with hormones and eggs. Pain so bad i had to go to the hospital, nightmares every night and then two weeks of reading every sign of my body without wanting to hope too much but googling everything late at night.
Then happiness. Pregnancy and hormones and tiredness and back to traveling every week and not recognising my body but dreaming of my little baby in there.
But im starting to feel it now. The tiredness, the loneliness, the anger at the world and at George when he is not around. I think its my mind finally catching up with everything that happened. It went too quick from despair to elation, its only catching up now and dont even know what to feel. Add to that your normal pregnancy hormones.
I think i have to accept the war ive been through. What it did to my mind. That its probably going to take a bit of time for me to fully come to terms with this. How happiness and sadness can coexist without taking from the other.
Or as Elsa Billgren describes it on her blog
‘So many things we do just because we have to and then just go on’. And thats how it is, you do it because there is no other way but it doesnt mean there is no scars.