In the park

I have struggled with feeling big and uncomfortable all weekend. Ill write more about it tomorrow when i hit 31 weeks but its all one big belly now.

We did have an awesome weekend though. George was out Friday (i just have to control my jealousy of his still fun life) and i was home with the dog. Thank god for Woolly keeping me company.

On Saturday we were invited to Alex and Lucy. Alex is Jeans friend and dad to Aaron, one of the boys in JW Paris. Ive known him for like 5 years now, hes the craziest, funniest, best guys ever. Lucy is his gf and the manager of West Ham park. Plus like the sweetest hostess with the mostest ever.  Which is awesome because she lives in one of those cottages in the park so i got treated like a princess in a dream cottage all weekend. Dream life. Plus they rock together.

On Saturday morning we took a walk in the park with Woolly. One of the things that are lovely with London is that autumn last for quite a while. Less lovely is the mud but hey, look on the bright side.

Ma boys playing. When mama cant run any longer you convince whoever you can to play with you.

And then we went to Alex and Lucys. JW Paris was played on the radio and we just had to take a shot to celebrate.

Lucy made an amazing dinner with tapas, duck in plum sauce and turkish mocha pots. Plus look at that room. Such a great place to live.

Then crazy started. Whiskey sours, the dress up box and a wine tsunami.

Plus George spilling cat food all over the kitchen and then taking advantage of Alex when he was cleaning it up. As you do.

Best evening in a long time. I had the energy to stay up to 2 when i was not in a busy bar and you know how i feel about a dress up box…

Butterfly princess pictures.

In the morning i got a friend when the others was sleeping. Could live like this.

Jean, Natalia and Sophie came by since it was leaf piling day in the park. The local community collect all the leaves and then the kids jump in the piles. Too cute.

6 grown ups and one kid. Poor Sophie had to do all the jumping.

Then we headed home to sofa and our hound. I felt a bit so so and headed to bed around 9. Im struggling with feeling so utterly exhausted all the time.

Birth options

I had a very interesting meeting yesterday. I met with a birth consultant after expressing worry about a vaginal birth. That worry has been building since the ivf.

Its a mix betwen not trusting my own body and general fear. I think all the negative results leading up to the ivf made me feel that my body cant be trusted to do whats ‘natural’. The second thing is this fear since my childhood that has resurfaced. My little brother was born with the umbilical cord around his neck. It wasnt really dangerous but somehow almost 3 year old me have taken with me this fear that he and mum would die.

I know both of these fears are irrational. But thats the problem with fear, it doesnt make sense.

So, i had decided to do an elective caesarian. It made me feel safe and that fear that something would go horribly wrong felt manageable. So yesterday i met the birth consultant to discuss this and basically talk about my options. She works at the birth centre at Queen Charlotte Hospital.

However, talking to her im now more confused than ever. She said that since there is no medical reason or any issues with my health there is no reasons to think that i wont be able to do it. She offered me to move over to their midwife team which means i would have the same midwife at the actual birth. She will also give me a therapist to work on the fear and classes to understand what happens during birth.

She made me feel very safe. And the rooms at the birth centre were lovely. So now ive gone from the most medical of procedures – caesarian, to contemplate a birth centre that is all about as natural a birth as possible. However, if anything goes wrong the labour ward is in the same building.

I dont know what to believe. My fear is still there but there is another part of me that imagines the birth in one of those rooms with George and midwife close and some musicals playing in the background.

Luckily i have some time to think about it and im happy to be with this new midwife team since with my current one i have seen different ones every time which doesnt help when you feel unsafe. But, my dreams was a jumble of fears last night. I had decided on a caesarian almost before i got pregnant so i havent thought much about a natural birth and now its all crashing down.

This is the room at St Marys. The ones at Queen Charlottes were even nicer. A big bathtub, candles, pilates balls and a big extra bed for George plus crib and changing table for lil baby. You stay over night and then go home if all is good.

Me and my little man fighting over the gingerbread dough last night. He is his mums son.

Standard view every night. Ever growing belly and W watching over it.

End of the decade – 2013

And we’ve arrived at 2013. London was dipped in colours, both the people and the city and everything felt possible. A warm spring followed by a warm summer and we lived it to the fullest.

This is the year when things started to turn for me. Kix took my hand and made me go to the doctor to get help with my depression and i started the long journey of getting better. Oliver and i moved to a flat of our own and i changed job. Everyone was in a good place and it felt like London was exploding with possibilities.

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Went to Sweden in the beginning of the year. Jonas had a Mad Men themed party. Julia and i was Betty and Don Draper. Nailed it.

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I checkedout the boobs out of course.

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And was a generally undecent man of the 50’s.

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Plus posed as the iconic Helmut Newton photo.

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Who need the original when you have me?

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Lollo moved to London and Sanna came to visit. Double win.

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We went up East for Bens bday party.

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Elin and me reunited after not seeing each other from moving out of the flat pretty much. Matchy in black (look Katta, im getting more of my normal style here…)

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Oliver and Kix threw me a unicorn suprise birthday party.

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I had my one chance of being a unicorn and i ended up looking like the love child and David Bowie and Elton John. Total fail on that one.

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But awesome party all around.

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Have you ever seen a sexier unicorn huddle? I dont think so!

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I mean, come on…

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Robin turned 30. I did what i normally do. Being awesome!

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And Malin had her birthday as well. It was all a party as you can see. What we did best in London 2013.

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In spring Oliver and me went to Sri Lanka. It was a lovely two week trip traveling around the country.

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We walked holy mountains

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Huddled up in the cold

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And met elephants.

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This is probably when the two of us where at our best. I was getting better with more energy and we felt that we had everything great ahead of us.

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Came back to London and went for dinners up East.

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Good thing about dating a photographer are all the awesome photos from your every day life.

Summer came and with that lots of travels and in the middle of July Oliver and me moved into our new flat. How i loved that place, my first own place ever.

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Office party with a pirate theme. On a boat. Fitting.

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Kix birthday party. We looked smart.

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Sunny boys.

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And then of course ending the night in Raffles. That was life in 2013, late night at Raffles every weekend.

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I went to the Canary Islands with work hosting a trip called Tjejplanet

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Met some awesome people including Mans Zelmerlov (makes sense to the swedes). His guitarist was flirting with me but no can do, i had a boyfriend (even if he was very cute). Thats like my one claim to almost fame.

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Midsummer in Gothenburg with my girls. Before babies and pregnancies when we ruled the party. But dont worry, we’ll be back.

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My cousin got married at the county house and i took the photos.

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Beauty.

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We went to Somerset to hang out with Toms family in Maidenhead. True english countryside. Here we are smoking up the chimey with his mum singing Queen.

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And to Sannas house in Spain

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Yes, i was all in on the black and white photos this year.

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We got the flat ready, it was all colours and light.

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Maggie and Fredrik came to visit and they were the first guests in the new place. Feeling the love.

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House parties are the best parties.

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And of course, Sweden for some muhsroom picking.

Autumn came and we loved life in our new flat, i was getting used to my new job and we started thinking about getting a dog. But, it had to wait. We werent ready for Woolly yet.

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Many dinners in our flat.

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We went to Rye and Oliver painted my picture in the sand.

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Took artsy pictures in the flat

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And Sanna came to visit again.

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Mum and dad came just before Christmas and i had my very own Cristmas tree for the first time.

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It was all about bows, flared dresses and looking cute in 2013. I nailed that look.

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Hello dad!

Went home to Sweden for Christmas of course.

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2012 was all about the snow, this year was all grey. But who cares when you have family all around.

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I handed out Christmas gifts.

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And these two were bffs.

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Paola turned 30 and had a birthday party. I got very hungover and had to catch a ride with my pregnant cousin Jossan to the airport. I threw up in their new car. Not my finest moment…

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Came back to london and we went for an epic New Years party. Kix and me were 19th century prostitutes.

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I mean, nailed it again!!

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Then things went downhill… i kind of remember most of the night, including hugging the bouncer before Oliver at midnight. I mean, he was my new bff.

And that was 2013. The party continued but things had started to calm down and i was feeling better. It was all about life with Oliver, the swede crew in London and we really had all the fun.

Here are some bonus pictures for whoever hasnt had enough…

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Drinks with the Tomlins. Because always up to no good.

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Beautiful shot of my hand for Damson.

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Another great house party. Rakfrossa at Malin and Hjalles.

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Beautiful shot of Malin the bday girl and her pet fox.

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Posing with Tumpen. Mad dogs.

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Early morning waiting for the sun to go up in Sri Lanka.

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Happily enjoying spring coming to London.

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I think i suit the gender neutral look.

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Ha, unicorns are a lot more refined these days…

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And of course you end up taped to a chair on your birthday. Standard.

week 31

75% done, im rolling into the final stretch now. I still fell pretty good. I have gained 10kg and luckily (touch wood) not retained water so no bloated ancles. Im sure that can still come but im counting my blessings. The main issue through all of this is still my back. Plus feeling very breathless at the moment with the baby pushing on the lungs. And, need to remember to slow down when i walk, otherwise my pelvic is killing me.

Its all manageable though and im getting very excited to meet the little man. Meeting the birth consultant on thursday to discuss the c-section. Still really hoping to have an elective c-section so thats what im hoping to get an ok for.

George is back from his party week in Dublin today. I normally miss him when he is away but i feel it even stronger now. I also need help in my every day plus feel safer when he is here. Its starting to feel real that something can happen.

Its really weird to feel that i need someone this much. Im so used to being able to do everything myself. And now im just big and tired 🙂

Woolly always close to the belly and to mummy these days.

However, when i have less energy to play i get the ass. Sorry monster, your dad needs to come back so he can play with you.

Little guy had the hiccups last night. Too cute.

Hell yeah thats a belly. Hes about 40cm and 1.5kg now so its getting tight in there. Which is pretty annoying for both of us…especially when he does his special, a jerk like motion that kicks both arms and legs at the same time. Alien much.

Hes definitely Goerges son with all that energy…

Dressing up like a chalet girl today, its nice to wear some normal clothes.

Bought new boots from Other stories. Love them plus they are wide enough to just jump into for a pregnant woman.

Pink on white. Bring on the non existing snow.

Meeting an old colleague from Maria times for lunch here in London today. Havent seen her for like 11 years. Will be lovely.

Weekend with my Julia

Monday. Going into week 31 tomorrow. My little raver keeps me up for at least an hour every night but i guess thats good practice for when he comes. Generally life is pretty banging.

Julia was here over the weekend and it was absolutely lovely. She needed a break from kids and dogs and life so she spent a lot of it just hanging around by herself. Love those kind of friendships with no exptectations. We did have time for food and candy and musical and all the important updates though. Plus talking to little Agnes of course, important. She was very determined that she needed to talk to ‘Izzy’. Always little angel.

With George away i also took the opportunity to put his advent calendar together. Still working on my project to get him to love Christmas. Just shower him with love.

It was supposed to be 24 little bags but some it was too big. Good thing i had matching wrapping paper though… not exactly influencer worthy but very me.

The bags is not homemade by me (sorry) but the best thing is that they can be used again. I think this might be the last one for George but baby might have some calendars in his future.

Very cute little bags and cleverly done with hanging pins. im quite proud and mostly because i could sneak some Christmas in early. With my hyacinths and pine candle it smells of Christmas already and now it looks al pretty too.

My decorating table. And yes, the red L on the table is for Lukas. It lights up. It will see me through the last weeks of pregnancy before i get to meet the little monster.

Flowers a week in. Still looking strong.

In the evening Julia and me went for dinner in Notting Hill. I took zero photos because i suck. Or well, i took a pic of my belly cause i spilled all over it. Definitely becoming a middle aged man with a beer gut.

Saturday morning. Breakfast, candles and Christmas movie. My dream morning. Im all in on the romantic, sappy movies at the moment. Want my life cocooned in snow and romance and pretty colours.

Met with Julia in town and we had a very rushed, but delicious dinner, at Dishoom. She gave me and baby a gift. Nailed it! Super cute outfit from mini rodini for him, all the lollipops for me.

Since we had to rush from the dinner and had to wait for 1.5h before a table the restaurant felt very bad they gave us a treat to go. Ice cream :). I mean, what do you dream of when you have to run to a show in a pouring London. Ice cream….

I smuggled it into the theatre then threw it away. Criminal.

Two very happy girls about to see wicked. I do love that musical, has some pretty epic belters plus fantasy and amazing costumes.

On Sunday it was all sunny and lovely. I met with Moley, Tom and their two boys. We had cake in Ravenscourt and talked about Sweden. They are also getting tired of London and thinking about where to go. Even the londoners are fleeing the city. Such a shame.

London love

Julia is in town! We are eating pasta, going to a musical and eating all the candy. Living life the best way we know.

I went to the GP yesterday. All clear. I had some stomach virus and that would have affected my other results as well. But all looked good in the hood.

Its cold in London today. Cold and crisp. I realise im going to miss this town. Looking back on the decade i relive all the fun ive had, all the amazing people ive met and the great opportunities ive been given. I mean, i have a career… But, its time to leave now. Brexit, life changes, work. It all comes together telling me my time in London is over. For now.

Im going to miss the friendly people, the golden light from the pubs, the kindness of strangers, all the new people coming into your life, cherry blossoms and magnolia, the dogs running free in all the parks, big, ice cold pints of cider, the dry english humor, the first Mr Whippy of the season, Richmond and Petersham and of course all my friends. All my amazing, lovely, big hearted friends.

Im not going to miss what Brexit is doing to this city.

Im going to miss this little guy the most but we still cant think about that.

Its me and W for the weekend.

Katta left for Sweden yesterday. I dont know what to do without her here. Really. Im super happy for her, sad for me

She left a bag of things form her flat, one of them was my favourite voluspa candle. So i lit that yesterday and missed my friend. Good thing well all be in Stockholm soon.

Life is weird. It changes so quickly. But i think both George and me are ready to start this new chapter in our lives. Baby and Sweden. Back to where i started. Its not all uncomplicated but it will be good.

Preggers favourites

2.5 months to go and it feels like ive been pregnant forever. One thing that has become increasingly annoying is just the simple action of getting dressed. Tops dont cover the bump, jeans ride down, bras dont fint.

So, heres my life savers to keep me through the day and get me out of my sweatpants

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HM Mama straight ankle jeans. Comfy stomach band, not too tight and DO NOT ride down. Lifesavers.

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HM nursing tops. I have like 6 of these. They cover the bump and can be worn under anything. And will work through nursery. Love them.

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Seraphine faux leather panel leggings. I get so many compliments for these and feel like i actually look like a normal person. The only issue is the low bump cover so you need long tops for this one.

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Seraphine nursing sweater. I think i have worn this one at least 3 times a week since i got pregnant. It covers the bump and neon details make it look a bit more fun.

Other than that I love my massive preggers pillow. Its a lifesaver for me and my long back. Plus gingerbread dough. I love that too 🙂