I had a very interesting meeting yesterday. I met with a birth consultant after expressing worry about a vaginal birth. That worry has been building since the ivf.
Its a mix betwen not trusting my own body and general fear. I think all the negative results leading up to the ivf made me feel that my body cant be trusted to do whats ‘natural’. The second thing is this fear since my childhood that has resurfaced. My little brother was born with the umbilical cord around his neck. It wasnt really dangerous but somehow almost 3 year old me have taken with me this fear that he and mum would die.
I know both of these fears are irrational. But thats the problem with fear, it doesnt make sense.
So, i had decided to do an elective caesarian. It made me feel safe and that fear that something would go horribly wrong felt manageable. So yesterday i met the birth consultant to discuss this and basically talk about my options. She works at the birth centre at Queen Charlotte Hospital.
However, talking to her im now more confused than ever. She said that since there is no medical reason or any issues with my health there is no reasons to think that i wont be able to do it. She offered me to move over to their midwife team which means i would have the same midwife at the actual birth. She will also give me a therapist to work on the fear and classes to understand what happens during birth.
She made me feel very safe. And the rooms at the birth centre were lovely. So now ive gone from the most medical of procedures – caesarian, to contemplate a birth centre that is all about as natural a birth as possible. However, if anything goes wrong the labour ward is in the same building.
I dont know what to believe. My fear is still there but there is another part of me that imagines the birth in one of those rooms with George and midwife close and some musicals playing in the background.
Luckily i have some time to think about it and im happy to be with this new midwife team since with my current one i have seen different ones every time which doesnt help when you feel unsafe. But, my dreams was a jumble of fears last night. I had decided on a caesarian almost before i got pregnant so i havent thought much about a natural birth and now its all crashing down.
This is the room at St Marys. The ones at Queen Charlottes were even nicer. A big bathtub, candles, pilates balls and a big extra bed for George plus crib and changing table for lil baby. You stay over night and then go home if all is good.
Me and my little man fighting over the gingerbread dough last night. He is his mums son.
Standard view every night. Ever growing belly and W watching over it.